Horoscopes: Week One

Taurus, Apr 20 - May 20 –

Separate your recycling, please, and plant at least three trees in your lifetime, the Lorax is making his rounds.

Gemini, May 21 - Jun 20 –

One day, you will come across your long lost cousin at a random cafe in Italy (no, unfortunately they are not Italian). If the walls are painted purple, run. If not, stay, but do not give your real name.

Cancer, Jun 21 - Jul 22 –

The boggarts (from Harry Potter) are malfunctioning, they now shape shift into whatever makes an individual the happiest. 

Note— we do not know how long this change will last, be wary!

Leo, Jul 23 - Aug 22 –

You are destined to fall in love with one of the Brown Bar-ba-loots. Keep in mind, they turn blue when angry; if this incident ensues, stay calm and yell “I speak for the trees!” as loudly as you can. 

Virgo, Aug 23 - Sep 22 –

You'll know it's the first day of winter when the penguin sees his shadow. It will probably not snow, but if it does, make three snow angels. Feel free to take photos, but do not include the second snow angel otherwise it will come to life as the snow demon.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22 –

Next week you will get new neighbors who will keep green and white zebras in their backyard. Just remind yourself that they are not zebras, they are only spray painted horses, which may be just as bad. 

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21 –

Never chew more than four pieces of double bubble gum on the third of July, if you mess up… well, no one ever has before so we're not really sure what will become of you.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 –

You know that olive tree in the back right corner of the grass in the middle of the quad? There is a hidden portal to another world hidden inside, it can only be accessed by one person every school year, so go now.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Santa Claus is coming to town! And early this year on Halloween, make sure there is no fire burning in your fireplace. Also, Santa is wearing purple this year so don’t be too surprised if you see him on your roof at night. 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 –

The next ATM you come across is likely a time machine, take advantage of the opportunity and travel back or forward in time. 

Terms and conditions apply, staying too long in the past or future can be hazardous,  please take heed that the machine is in dire need of repair. 

Pisces, Feb 19 - Mar 20 –

You will suffer the same fate as Aires, but you must take your chess set and  leave behind only your three year old soccer cleats. If you don’t, just run faster than Aries.